Farewell Chris...

When I woke up this morning my first thought was, well actually, it wasn't a thought, but a song that popped into my head: 'I know you’re sick and alone....we can bleed together, we can bleed together...' Chris and his fierce, but beautiful voice were going through my mind over and over again. Why this song?...Maybe I’ll have an explanation later on, after having written down my feelings in trying to process this heart breaking news as it unfolded yesterday…

At around 10 am, one of my best friends gave me a call and said: 'I just send you a Whatsapp message, but then I realised I should call you as reading about it would be even more devastating for you'. So, I said: 'What's going on?' And then she broke the news to me: 'Chris Cornell passed away last night...' My breath just stopped for a moment, I just didn’t know how to respond. My immediate thoughts were that the cause must have been a stroke or a heart attack. I’ve been following him on Twitter and Instagram for quite some time and he seemed to be in the prime of his life. Looking good with his long curly hair, it just felt like he had it all together for once in his life, at least the last couple of years. 

Keeping track of the news during the day and seeing all the messages being posted on social media, mostly messages of disbelieve, wondering about the cause of death, I really felt part of a ’collective grief’. And then suddenly it hit me, Eddie must be devastated too, being one of his mates...Followed by a quite selfish thought, or maybe it wasn't selfish at all as I was sincerely thinking about what Eddie must go through right now...Anyway, I just realised that this will ‘put a cast over Eddie Vedder's tour’ as someone carefully described in the Eddie Vedder Europe 2017 Facebook Group while posting this awesome picture of Chris, Eddie, Jeff and Glen:

​I’ll be going the second show in Amsterdam in about ten days. A 25-year long dream come true. However, the thought immediately crossed my mind whether Eddie would cancel the tour or at least maybe cancel the first few shows. As most likely, Chris' funeral will be sometime next week, just before Eddie heads off to Amsterdam. I checked the Eddie Vedder Facebook group straight away, wondering if anyone was thinking and feeling the same way as me. And the first posts started to occur, all messages from PJ fans in disbelieve and in grief. Also, someone asking if the tour might be cancelled. 

Someone else even questioned if this news would break up Pearl Jam (even before the reason of his death was revealed). Well, I can’t see that happening at all, I believe it’ll give them more fuel to keep on doing what they’re enjoying the most: making music from the heart. Probably their only way to handle this devastating loss. ​

I just realised as well, that Kurt took his live one week before the Nirvana concert I was so eager to attend (and had waited in line for a whole night in the cold to get a ticket). Well, I still hope that we can share our collective grief with Eddie and Glen next week. I'm sure they'll follow their heart in making this tough decision.

During the day, I tried to do some work, but just couldn’t concentrate and just kept checking social media for any clues on the cause of his death and kept on reading all the messages from devastated fans. I kept on feeling this tension in my stomach, a somewhat eerie feeling which I couldn’t explain. I checked his last tweet. And shortly after I read that he died just two hours after this concert, I even felt more devastated. Apparently, he had a few more concerts lined up the following days.

All of this confirmed my thoughts that he was in good shape and feeling well and that it must have been a sudden death due to a heart attack or seizure as I mentioned before. Fortunately, I had some distraction as I had to pick up the kids from school and head off to swimming lessons late afternoon. But still, Chris' death kept on going through my mind, still trying to process it.

​Right after dinner my friend (who broke the news to me) send me another message. ‘Rumors are he committed suicide...’ I somehow wasn't surprised at all and suddenly that eerie feeling was gone. Still don’t understand why though. 

​Obviously, the first question that came to mind was: Why?! And then it hit me again: Someone who has been showing signs of depressions throughout his life, through his music and his lyrics and having it all together for once in his life and most likely still not feeling 'happy' or still feeling depressed, he just couldn't handle life itself or himself. And to some people that just seems selfish. And many fans were expressing their feelings of anger and even more disbelieve on social media as soon as this news was revealed.

 I know firsthand from my brother in law (who committed suicide 11 years ago) that feeling happy isn't something you can get from the outside world, it needs to come from yourself, from within. You can’t love someone else without loving yourself...A cliché, but true. Then again, a fight which some just won’t win. 

Obviously, speculating about his reasons to take his own life by using 'Dr. Phil' psychology just doesn’t cut it. We’ll never know his true feelings or reasons. Maybe only by reading his lyrics, which we’ll all look at in a different perspective from now on. ​And maybe his last tweet was a final cry out…

Coincidentally (well, I don’t believe in coincidences...), this morning, my sister-in-law texted me as I was writing this blog and asked if my husband had told our kids how their brother committed suicide. As my niece had told her that morning that my daughter once told my niece that my brother-in-law jumped in front of a train. And yes, we’ve told our kids how he died, as the truth will come out eventually. They’d better hear it from us than from someone else…And that just made me think about how Chris’ wife Vicky told her kids about how their dad had passed away…That’s probably the most heart-breaking part. How can someone be so depressed and leave three kids behind…Life really sucks sometimes…And I’m sure a lot of people can relate to this...

I'll have to pull myself together again, as my life goes on, taking care of my family and doing things in life that I enjoy like expressing my feelings about music and culture through this blog. And hopefully, the rest of the fans can do the same thing, as life is worth living for! And may music keep us united!
Amen.

R.I.P. Chris Cornell 
​
P.s.: Below you’ll find some pics that I’ve added to make sure these memories won’t be forgotten: a compelling story of Eddie, Chris and the ‘uke’, a beautiful painting of Chris, painted by a Pearl Jam fan in trying to process his feelings and who inspired me to process my own feelings by writing this blog. Unfortunately, my whish to see Eddie and Chris perform 'Hunger Strike' live, won't come true anymore. However, this evening someone posted his director's cut of Temple of the Dog Alpine Valley video footage of PJ20, see below as well (many thanks!).

​In addition, I’ve included some pictures of his last solo tour in Australia which I attended in October 2007 (at the time I was living in Australia). Still a vivid memory. Unfortunately, not my own pictures. However, these pictures exactly captured Chris how I remember him standing upclose (many thanks to Faster Louder for archiving these pictures).